A walking list of conundrums

Hi, it's me. I'm the problem!

There’s this belief I’ve held firmly to for almost my entire existence. It is that I am an incredibly loyal person. Yes, to my people but more substantially to my thoughts and beliefs. I’ve been described as opinionated (shocker) and a person who has thoughts and feelings she is willing to express. I wasn’t always a lover of this aspect of my personality but it felt strong and secure. A pillar, one might say. Lately though, I have started to feel like a reed in the wind and I can feel that pillar starting to take some hits. Let me go ahead and explain.

I’m going to try to keep the politics out of this but let’s just say that I lean towards being a loving tolerant society who shouldn’t give a crap about others private personal details. I believe in justice and I would like to see the scales tip towards a more equal state. I enjoy free speech but despise hate speech. I could go on and on but you get the gist. I have believed for so long that on the occasion I might be confronted by people who do not hold my beliefs that I would rise above and move on. I would walk away from the bully as I have been instructing my child to do. That I would not engage because that’s exactly what this type of person is looking for. Obviously, this is situationally dependent. According to today’s episode….I was not able to behave this way.

I walk through the day with a host of witty jabs and vicious retorts in my head at all times. It’s my inner monologue and it can be incredibly boisterous. Keeping them in all day is a true test of my resolve to trying to be the type of person I aspire to be. Whilst grocery shopping at an incredibly early hour today I could hear a very loud and clear voice discussing their opinion on the state of the world and really enjoying the rhetoric of a certain polarizing political official. I laughed in my head as I do not hold these beliefs and if I’m being honest could not believe the audacity of a person discussing this shit before one has even had coffee….how rude! As I perused the aisles the voice continued on, getting louder and louder until it hit its crescendo as I pulled into the aisle where they were standing. The two people engaged quickly looked up, saw me and smiled. I nodded and went about grabbing my items. As I was walking away, I heard their remark that I am the type of person they would like to see removed from the country along with all the others. Ruh Roh. Now we have a problem. There is this anatomical response I have to ignorance. My blood literally boils, my vision gets blurry and I feel physically nauseous. However whilst this is happening, I am unable to control the nasty monologue that is itching to be unleashed and so here is how it went. I turned around, smiled as brightly as I could and loudly spoke these words, “Please crawl back to whatever welfare loving, trailer trash home from where you came. No one is interested in the garbage that is coming from your mouth.” They were stunned, I was riding a dopamine high like no other and went about my business. The rest of the experience was uneventful and once I got to my car the high started to wean off and I was left with an uncontrollable sense of shame. My body was shaking and I couldn’t stop replaying it in my head. I drove home, texted this incident to a friend and got on about my workday but even as I sit here describing this hours later, I have visible goosebumps and feel shook to my core.

How on earth could I have said that nasty remark out loud? This is not who I am/want to be. But here it is in black and white. A full conundrum of a situation. How do we achieve being the people we want to be while acting in direct opposition? I write this knowing full well that this is most of the human experience. I literally just said to my daughter last night….”The trick is that even when you’re mad, you have to try not to be mean.” Here I was less than a day later doing the exact opposite. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking on it and I truly don’t have an answer as to why this keeps happening. I also don’t think continuous punishment is the answer either. So what do we do? Here’s my only thought ( I say thought, not advice because who the fuck am I to dish out advice?) To build a new habit, you must repeat it 66 times (consistently) for it to stick. There is obviously a range but this number has proven pretty on point for getting the job done. Now I won’t be out searching for ways to do this daily in the world. That would require far too much human interaction and becoming a heat seeking missile for confrontation. But I think it can be done daily in terms of not being mean to one’s partner, even when you want to rip their head off. Not lashing out at the very rude customer service person from Amazon who was hostile from minute one (just me? Ok) and so on.

I really want to try to master this one because in that moment I did not recognize or like myself. As good as I thought I would feel after, it turns out it was indeed the opposite.

Now comes one of my favourite things in the world to do….List making. Here’s a dumb little list of all my silly conundrums that embody me of late. I’m sure they will change but honestly when I read lists people make about themselves it helps me to see myself in them or (snarkily) feel a little better about myself. Hey, if I can do either of those for you then I’m winning too!

1. I love to plan but feel so well taken care of when someone else does the planning.

2. I love to read books, and I really can’t get into audiobooks

3. Love a podcast, can’t really handle most podcasters’ voices

4. Love working alone, miss working with people

5. Lecture my husband constantly about saving money, I’m always spending money

6. Love walking outside, hate the treadmill

7. Love yoga, DESPISE HOT YOGA

8. Love my kid, don’t need her around all the time

9. Love being alone, like LOVE, but constantly wonder what everyone else is doing

10. I love to bitch about all the shit that needs doing but trust absolutely no one to get it done right.

Xx

The Conversation Maven